Sometimes you just get tired of wearing the mask
Stepping out of my comfort zone with this one. It's a departure from my usual content on excelling under pressure. This newsletter delves into a personal challenge I rarely discuss—a significant step towards personal growth and hopefully an inspiration for others too.
Some of you may be aware that I was a television and film actor, and while I was striving to make it to the big screen, I was constantly taking acting classes.
During one of my classes, I was struggling with a scene, so my teacher pulled me aside to talk about how to improve it.
He said, “You have to show us what it’s like. You are playing these scenes straight, but we see you. You are a Black man. You have to show us what it’s like to be the most qualified candidate but not get the job because you’re Black. You have to show us what it’s like to be in love but not be together because she’s white, and you are Black, and her parents will never accept you. You have to show us what it’s like to make the same mistakes as your colleagues, teammates, or friends but receive triple the reprimand.”
He was trying to get me to reveal what it’s like to be a Black man navigating largely white spaces.
He was right. On screen and in life, I was always trying to play it straight, acting as if there were no differences, but there are, and I have experienced them. The beauty of the acting profession is that you have the opportunity to explore the complexities of the human condition in a safe place. My teacher was white and many years my senior, and I felt safe enough with him to have this very powerful, life-altering conversation.
As I reflected on our conversation, I realized that I resisted voicing my true experience because I didn’t want it to seem like I was making excuses. Also, when you are in largely white spaces and share your experiences, the reaction from people is usually something like, “No, not him, not her, they’re a good person… well, what did you do to cause it… no, that happens to everyone…”. So you start to doubt yourself and believe it’s not a race thing; it’s your fault.
However, as you start to find ways to break out of your circles, your beliefs may begin to shift. My acting teacher is one example of breaking out.
Another example is a post from Sterling K. Brown, the actor from the TV series “This Is Us” and the “Black Panther” movie. A few years ago, Sterling made a live Facebook post after the murder of Ahmaud Arbery that really opened my eyes.
During the pandemic, many of us were wearing masks, and so was Sterling. In this post, he shared how he went for a jog to honor the memory of Ahmaud Arbery while wearing his mask. (If you don’t know the story of Ahmaud Arbery, in short, he went for a jog and was murdered by two white men while he was jogging.) As Sterling described his running experience, he shared that during the run, he struggled to breathe because of the mask. However, when he took the mask off, there was an incredible sensation of relief.
Sterling uses the mask as a metaphor to explain that Black men metaphorically have to wear a mask all the time. He continues by saying that if a Black man gets angry or shows too much emotion, he is criticized, with people saying, “Hey, what’s with all that energy? Easy there.” But if a white man gets angry, the comments are, “Wow, look at how passionate he is.”
So, metaphorically speaking, Black men have to wear a mask to appease the largely white circles they navigate. The mask sends a message that says, “Hey, there’s nothing to fear here.”
As a result, there is pressure for Black men to wear a metaphorical mask to block the threat stereotype. Sterling finishes by saying wearing the mask is hard, and as Black men, “sometimes you just get tired of wearing the mask.”
This post resonated with me because I was also wearing a metaphorical mask, always trying to appease the circles that I was traveling in. I was always feeling the pressure to ensure that I didn’t make waves, desperately trying to be accepted in an environment that consciously or unconsciously works to minimize my voice.
Another circle breaker for me is Richard Reeves' book “Of Boys and Men.” Richard writes about the decline of men in today’s society and dedicates an entire chapter to the challenges faced by Black men. He writes, “Black men have a different social reality. The perception of others influences a Black man’s social interactions with co-workers and neighbors and structures a unique form of relative deprivation.”
In other words, the behavior of wearing a metaphorical mask causes deprivation. Referencing Richard’s work, this deprivation can take the form of things like lack of career progression, lack of income growth, altering your appearance to make someone else feel safe, disengagement from social activities, and silencing your voice.
Which makes it very hard to “show us what it’s like.”
And that’s why Sterling Brown’s words are so powerful: “Sometimes you just get tired of wearing the mask.”
So, if you’re feeling the pressure to wear the metaphorical mask and want to break out, here are some things you can do to begin the process:
Talk to someone you can trust, someone you feel safe with.
Watch videos or posts that challenge your thinking.
Read books that explore the sensitive nature of what you’re feeling.
Practice mindfulness by taking time to reflect on what you’re noticing.
As you begin to take these small steps, you may discover a sense of validation that you had not experienced before. With this validation comes a sense of safety, ultimately leading you to new action.
This new action may be the spark you need to take off the metaphorical mask so that you can find a way to win.
From Find a Way to Win, a blog by Calvin Strachan
Calvin is a high energy keynote speaker, trainer and coach
He has work with numerous global organizations and several Fortune 500 companies such as Abbott, Bristol Meyers, Coca Cola, Hershey, Pfizer, Salesforce, Sony, TD and Verizon
Contact hutch@calvinstrachan.com or call 1.888.491.5366 to explore how your team can work with Cal