Don't give away your power
In my last newsletter (Sometimes you just get tired of wearing the mask), I mentioned that one of the messages that many black men try to convey by wearing the metaphorical mask is: there is nothing to fear here.
That message also suggests that someone is trying to be accepted.
Speaking for myself, there were many times that I wanted to make sure people accepted me.
So, I made every effort to not rock the boat, or have people fear me, or give them any reason to be uncomfortable with me. Some people reading this may dismiss these statements and think; “well, that’s true for everyone” and to a degree, they are. So, my hope is that while I’m speaking from my experience as a Black man, perhaps this message will resonate with your experience or someone close to you.
Richard Reeves shares a powerful example of this need for acceptance in his book “Of Boys and Men”. For context, it may be helpful to know that Richard is white and he describes an interaction with his godson Dwight, a young Black man who sells cars for a living. Richard describes an eye-opening conversation he had with Dwight about his eyeglasses. The confusing part of the story is that Dwight does not need glasses but he wears them to do more business. So, Richard asked Dwight, “how does wearing clear lenses help sell more business?” Almost like he was describing a simple law of nature, Dwight replied, “white people especially, are just more relaxed around me when I wear them.”
My interpretation of this story is that Dwight felt that he would not be accepted as he is. So, he had to adjust his appearance to diffuse the fears of others.
Continuing on this line of thinking, Dwight’s experience reminds me of Brené Brown’s definition of shame, the intensely painful feeling or experience of being flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Building on Brené’s definition, sometimes, we do things to make it easier for people to accept us. In short, we try to make up for our perceived flaws.
Additionally, the prolific author Bell Hooks also explores this idea of perceived flaws in her book “Rock My Soul”. Bell writes, “The entire world of advertising and mass media in general sends both the covert and overt message that blackness is negative”. She adds; “…no black child who watches television every day for even a few hours can escape the message…that to be black or dark-skinned is to be defective, flawed”. Bell also acknowledges that a lot can be done to counter these messages, but those interventions are not happening in most homes.
So, much like Dwight, I was also conscious of these messages without much intervention. Consequently, I would be more quiet than normal to not appear disruptive. I would accept insults, micro-aggressions, and racial slurs and not retaliate. I would accept unfair treatment, harsh criticism, just so people would not have a reason to fear me or be uncomfortable.
The challenge was, if I was too quiet, they would say I had no personality. If I was too loud, they would say I had no decorum or that I was desperate for attention. If I spoke about my ambitious goals, I was arrogant. If I kept my aspirations to myself, I had no drive. If I was romantic, I was too weak. If I took charge, I was too possessive.
More times than not, I was trying to take responsibility for my actions and continuously trying to make up for my perceived flaws. Trying to send the message, there’s nothing to fear here, I won’t rock the boat, let me in…please.
The pressure to conform was never-ending and it left me depleted. It really seemed like I could never get it right. My behavior and the accompanying results led to an erosion of self-esteem and self-worth.
So, what can be done?
From my perspective, you must refuse to give up your power.
In short, looking for acceptance from someone else gives away your power. You could wear the best glasses, take on all the unfair, harsh treatment imaginable, and they could still think you are flawed.
You have no control over how others will react or respond…you can’t control the media, the government, your leadership team, your colleagues, your customers, your family, or your friends. This may seem like common sense, but unfortunately common sense is not common practice.
All too often, people place their sense of belonging and connection on the positive reactions of others. Well, what if those positive reactions never come? The desire to draw your value from the approval of others, while very common, can have disastrous effects on your self-esteem and your self-worth.
We maintain our power and build our self-worth by tenaciously focusing on what we can control. We can control how hard we work, how we respond, the preparation we put in, the calls we make, and what we choose to believe in.
Ultimately, you have a choice; you can decide to link your success to their feedback and their responses (which you cannot control) or you can decide to link your success to how effectively you delivered on the specific actions you chose.
As you start to increase your focus on what you can control, you will notice that your power, your self-worth, and your self-esteem will have a much stronger foundation in your actions than being left to the mercy of the unpredictable reactions of others.
In the immortal words of Bell Hooks: “We can’t change the way they see us, but we can change the way we see ourselves”
From Find a Way to Win, a blog by Calvin Strachan
Calvin is a high energy keynote speaker, trainer and coach
He has worked with numerous global organizations and several Fortune 500 companies such as Abbott, Bristol Meyers, Coca Cola, Hershey, Pfizer, Salesforce, Sony, TD and Verizon
Contact hutch@calvinstrachan.com or call 1.888.491.5366 to explore how your team can work with Calvin